If someone leaves you, just say goodbye.

The other day I over heard a conversation most likely a little too deep for a bus journey home but nonetheless it got me thinking. This girl was talking to possibly someone who is really close to her and surprisingly having a heart to heart on a not so empty bus. She was pouring her heart out, so to speak. “ I guess my biggest fear is losing someone I love, not the inevitable but losing someone because they fall out of love with you. They go on living their life on this earth without you, I don’t think I could cope with that. Knowing that we were once so in love and now we don’t even care in that way for each other. That would tear me apart. Maybe that’s why I’m just not ready to let anyone in.”

I wholly understand where she is coming from but I think for me it has always been the opposite. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the whole loving someone who doesn’t love me back anymore thing. Losing someone and that person moving on so quickly and you just being so lost because they were your whole world and now they are your nothing well you are their nothing.

It will feel like your drowning and there no chance of you coming up for air. It’s going to feel like that for some time. And boy are you going to cry, every single day for the next few months. Those tears, they will come out of nowhere because everything you knew and got so accustom to is gone. It will take time but you will feel better, will get stronger and the best thing that comes out of heart break is that you are given the opportunity to rediscover who you are. You will shine and know your worth and things will get better. Slowly but surely, they will get better.

That’s why I understand but to me losing someone your are in love with to death is something I can’t comprehend. Not because I don’t see it happen all the time but because I just can’t grasp the idea of being so in love with someone and that person loving me just as much and then one day they are gone. They are six feet under the ground and I don’t have to ability to say all those things I wanted to, to tell them how much I love them and just all those other little things we tend to take for granted. I won’t be able to live my truth because you were my soulmate and we bought out the best in each other. I’m sacred of losing someone because If i’m in love with you and we’ve together long enough we would be a part of each other, we would be dependent on each other so much so that I would feel like a child lost all alone on a busy street not knowing where to go. I would lose a part of me, when I lose a part of you.

Death is so definitive, there is no choice in it. When it’s your time to go, you are gone from this earth, there are no take backs or chances to make a difference and the thing is most times you don’t even see it coming, it just takes you by surprise. I think that is what would break me the most.

So if someone breaks your heart and they leave you to move on with their own life. Let them walk away. If they turn down your love, know that you are worth so much more and that life still has so much to offer you. Don’t stress or worry about a person who isn’t even yours because you never know you could be blocking your own blessings being so caught up in this heartache. I believe everything you expereince in this life happens for a reason even if it just ends up being Gods way of teaching you a lesson. You come out of it a better person, so much stronger, so much happier and so much more confident and secure in who you are and what you want in life. So if someone leaves you, just say goodbye.

Better off alone

I always say I am better off alone. It’s not because I want to be alone.
It’s just, may be one day I’ll let someone in just enough and they’ll steal my heart. I’ll fall helplessly in love and realise all I ever wanted in this life was to feel loved, to be in love. I’ll crave it, I’ll need it, I’ll want to feel it more than life itself and then one day it will all come crashing, burning down. I don’t know if my heart can take that especially seeing as I am known as the broken girl. So I rather wear some bubble wrap around my fragile self then to open up and let you love me. I’m not scared of being alone I’m scared of needing you, scared of falling so deeply and not being able to live without your love.

YOU

Your essence, your being, it captured my soul.
I was curiously lusting for something out of my control.
One step, two step and you were so close.
As our bodies moved closer I felt that electric jolt.
Magnetised.
Your lips touch mine as our bodies intertwine.
Let’s stay in this moment forever
Please never say goodbye

A girl who would have been a mistake

I was always too afraid to fall in love.
To let you into my innermost thoughts.
So I built a wall around my heart.
Too high to climb and too strong to tear down.
I was scared that once you’d see the real me.
The, me; the rest of the world doesn’t get to see.
You’d run, run far away and not ever look back.
So I kept you at arms distance until you gave up.
The wall kept me safe, it kept you away.
It saved you from heartbreak.
From a girl who would’ve been a mistake.

Sometimes

I hate being so self-aware. I can feel these emotions that come flooding in and I try to stop them. I try to invalidate them because someone like me should not be feeling this way.

Some days I feel so low that I don’t understand who I am or who it is that I want to be. Life seems to be an ongoing circle of repetition and no progression. I see a future but there is nothing there it is just a black hole. The darkness is consuming my soul and it seems to be so peaceful, so quiet and that is kind of all I want.

Other days I feel like I am destined for greatness and that I am going to make a difference in this world regardless of how long it takes me. I will overcome every single obstacle thrown my way because God has a plan and I feel it in my bones that one day my dreams will be a reality. You don’t have dreams for no reason, ideas and passion isn’t random, they are there, they have a purpose. On these days I feel unstoppable, I feel high on life, I feel like everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful.

Then there are days where I go through the motions of highs and lows. I will wake up be productive and get so much shit done that I’m like wait, who is this girl, I like her. I plan and work and things make sense. I love and I laugh and I feel good and I feel happy but by the end of the day, I crash. I cry and I feel sick and as though I am worthless. I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t want to be saved. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and I have no one to turn to because they don’t understand these sudden ups and downs.

Some days I want to stay in bed and just sleep forever. I want to speak to nobody and I want nobody to speak to me. I want my mind to be blank and my soul to feel a little bit of peace. I want to be closed in and as far away as possible from anything that breathes.

There are times that I find myself in a public place or surrounded by people and I can feel my body giving me away. I see my hands tremble and feel my eyes start to water. I feel this weird burning sensation prickling my head. My neck feels tense and I find myself unable to speak or move but me being me I can not let anyone see this happening to me so I have to tell myself that this is not the time or place, you are not this kind of person don’t ever let anybody see you this weak. Sometimes I can’t reel it in so I have to run away lock myself in the bathroom and fall to the floor and try to breathe and all I hear myself saying is why are you doing this to yourself why can’t you be normal and just be fine? I invalidate every emotion I feel because that is not the way a girl like me is supposed to be but what is a girl like me supposed to be?

I cry alone at night, I cry myself to sleep wishing there was someone who would be able to comfort me. Sometimes I want to run to my mum and just cry to her but the truth is I would never have the courage to because I’m coward when it comes to showing others how I feel. I want her to tell me it will be okay and that life is a rollercoaster of your greatest hit and you stupidest mistakes. I want her to tell me that I will make it out fine as long as I believe in me because she believes in me but that’s a conversation we will never have.

I guess all I want in life is not to feel so alone, to feel loved and to love someone back. I want to go through this journey, this messed up journey with someone by my side, someone who understands that I feel a little too much and I care way too much for my own good. I’m sick of hiding and trying to mask and bottle up everything inside. I just want to be free and feel happy.