She’s a killer – extract

If there was one thing Cecilia hated more than life itself, it was a liar. She hated liars, all different kinds of liars. Twisting truths, hurting others to feed their own egos just the thought, disgusted Cecilia to her core.

28th October 2017 was a night that she’d never forget. The cold autumn breeze rushing through her long curly hair, leaves scattered on the pavements. This was her favourite time of year. The only time when being spooky was universally okay. There was just something about carving pumpkins and drinking her latte with an extra dash of cinnamon, eating hot apple pies with a scoop of ice cream while watching the days slowly get shorter. This was the time of year Cecilia believed all things were possible.

Magical. That day was magical. They say love finds you when you least expect it, it surprises you. Cecilia can confirm that is very true. It was a chance encounter two blocks away from her favourite coffee shop. He wasn’t paying too much attention to his surroundings while he seemed to be having an argument on his phone. She was too occupied by the music playing through her headphones, eyes closed bobbing her head to the rhythm without a care in the world. In a fraction of a second, these two strangers collide.

Collided in a way that now their fates were intertwined. It was reckless yet so perfect, so rushed but still so slow. They were missing pieces to each other’s souls. Jamie was the answer to all of Cecilia’s prayers, he was perfection. He bought her flowers and showered her in gifts. He made time for her, he took her out and sometimes they just stayed in. He knew all her secrets she had let him in. He would make her laugh so hard that her jaw hurt from smiling. He was her rock when the waters were rough, her light in darkness he kept her warm through it all.

632 days of perfection. On day 633 Cecilia made her way to his house she was going to surprise him, no need to call ahead. A bag full of groceries for their date night meal she walked up the steps. She unlocked the door and headed straight to the kitchen. She was excited and knew that Jamie won’t be home for another hour. She sets everything down and starts to prep the vegetables and meat. 45 minutes later she is all done; he’ll be back soon so now it’s time to freshen up.

She heads to the stairs and stops to see something unusual, a trail of clothing just laying on the floor. Confused and startled she grabs a knife from the kitchen. Cecilia doesn’t take risks when it comes to her life or the lives of her loved one. She slowly makes her way up the stairs and paces herself at the landing. She scans the area to distinguish any anomalies. The door, Jamie’s door is ajar while the rest are wide open. She takes a few deep breaths in to calm her heart she tiptoes to his room.

Red, a burning fire filled with rage, full of compulsion. She lost all control, she was blinded that through all the commotion the begging, the cries not once did she stop. Blood so much blood, the sheets were filled with blood. Jamie and his lover lay there still covered in sin, motionless, horror painted all over their faces. She walked back to the kitchen and washed the knife clean. She sat down at the table and poured herself some food. Cecilia looked over to the empty plate by her side and laughed to herself. He would be enjoying this delicious dinner too if he hadn’t lied.

If someone leaves you, just say goodbye.

The other day I over heard a conversation most likely a little too deep for a bus journey home but nonetheless it got me thinking. This girl was talking to possibly someone who is really close to her and surprisingly having a heart to heart on a not so empty bus. She was pouring her heart out, so to speak. “ I guess my biggest fear is losing someone I love, not the inevitable but losing someone because they fall out of love with you. They go on living their life on this earth without you, I don’t think I could cope with that. Knowing that we were once so in love and now we don’t even care in that way for each other. That would tear me apart. Maybe that’s why I’m just not ready to let anyone in.”

I wholly understand where she is coming from but I think for me it has always been the opposite. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the whole loving someone who doesn’t love me back anymore thing. Losing someone and that person moving on so quickly and you just being so lost because they were your whole world and now they are your nothing well you are their nothing.

It will feel like your drowning and there no chance of you coming up for air. It’s going to feel like that for some time. And boy are you going to cry, every single day for the next few months. Those tears, they will come out of nowhere because everything you knew and got so accustom to is gone. It will take time but you will feel better, will get stronger and the best thing that comes out of heart break is that you are given the opportunity to rediscover who you are. You will shine and know your worth and things will get better. Slowly but surely, they will get better.

That’s why I understand but to me losing someone your are in love with to death is something I can’t comprehend. Not because I don’t see it happen all the time but because I just can’t grasp the idea of being so in love with someone and that person loving me just as much and then one day they are gone. They are six feet under the ground and I don’t have to ability to say all those things I wanted to, to tell them how much I love them and just all those other little things we tend to take for granted. I won’t be able to live my truth because you were my soulmate and we bought out the best in each other. I’m sacred of losing someone because If i’m in love with you and we’ve together long enough we would be a part of each other, we would be dependent on each other so much so that I would feel like a child lost all alone on a busy street not knowing where to go. I would lose a part of me, when I lose a part of you.

Death is so definitive, there is no choice in it. When it’s your time to go, you are gone from this earth, there are no take backs or chances to make a difference and the thing is most times you don’t even see it coming, it just takes you by surprise. I think that is what would break me the most.

So if someone breaks your heart and they leave you to move on with their own life. Let them walk away. If they turn down your love, know that you are worth so much more and that life still has so much to offer you. Don’t stress or worry about a person who isn’t even yours because you never know you could be blocking your own blessings being so caught up in this heartache. I believe everything you expereince in this life happens for a reason even if it just ends up being Gods way of teaching you a lesson. You come out of it a better person, so much stronger, so much happier and so much more confident and secure in who you are and what you want in life. So if someone leaves you, just say goodbye.

Better off alone

I always say I am better off alone. It’s not because I want to be alone.
It’s just, may be one day I’ll let someone in just enough and they’ll steal my heart. I’ll fall helplessly in love and realise all I ever wanted in this life was to feel loved, to be in love. I’ll crave it, I’ll need it, I’ll want to feel it more than life itself and then one day it will all come crashing, burning down. I don’t know if my heart can take that especially seeing as I am known as the broken girl. So I rather wear some bubble wrap around my fragile self then to open up and let you love me. I’m not scared of being alone I’m scared of needing you, scared of falling so deeply and not being able to live without your love.

Forever

These scars are forever, moments carved into my skin
Memories that I will never treasure.
Daily reminders of my screw-ups,
My downfalls, my pain.
My lack of self-control.
They haunt, they taunt me.
They make me feel ashamed.
I wish they’d disappear.
But they now are a part me
A part of me I can’t let go
A part of me here to stay forever.
A part of me I will always regret.

A girl who would have been a mistake

I was always too afraid to fall in love.
To let you into my innermost thoughts.
So I built a wall around my heart.
Too high to climb and too strong to tear down.
I was scared that once you’d see the real me.
The, me; the rest of the world doesn’t get to see.
You’d run, run far away and not ever look back.
So I kept you at arms distance until you gave up.
The wall kept me safe, it kept you away.
It saved you from heartbreak.
From a girl who would’ve been a mistake.