Lockdown life has really got me doing things I’ve been putting of doing for years now!
I was recently scrolling through TikTok like you do and came across so many videos of people doing these cool spotlight photoshoots and they looked like so much fun so I thought I’d give it a go too!
So you’ll need a model in this case I used my brother, a loo roll or any type of cylinder roll you can find around the house and a torch light – you can just use your phone. If you want to take self portraits make sure you have a tripod or something to prop your phone up. These types of pictures are best shot in the dark – so play around a little until you figure out what works best for you.
I obviously had to put my own little spin on it by adding a really cool background made out of super old marvel comics (my mum has been trying to get me to rid of of them for ages but I knew holding on to them would come in handy) We just ripped the pages out and taped them to the wall. But you don’t really need to do that I just wanted to go for a super grungy look and I even styled my brother in line with my vision.
I really like how these turned out especially because I took them blind (yes I wasn’t wearing my glasses) in the dark. I edited these all on my phone using VSCO and SnapSeed. My brother who has his own photography page on Instagram – By Bilaal (which you all should follow because he takes amazing pictures!!) edited them a little differently to the way I did using Photoshop and Lightroom.
If you do try this out I’d love to see what you guys come up with! Tag me on Instagram @geminifatale or just leave a comment down below!
The other day I over heard a conversation most likely a little too deep for a bus journey home but nonetheless it got me thinking. This girl was talking to possibly someone who is really close to her and surprisingly having a heart to heart on a not so empty bus. She was pouring her heart out, so to speak. “ I guess my biggest fear is losing someone I love, not the inevitable but losing someone because they fall out of love with you. They go on living their life on this earth without you, I don’t think I could cope with that. Knowing that we were once so in love and now we don’t even care in that way for each other. That would tear me apart. Maybe that’s why I’m just not ready to let anyone in.”
I wholly understand where she is coming from but I think for me it has always been the opposite. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the whole loving someone who doesn’t love me back anymore thing. Losing someone and that person moving on so quickly and you just being so lost because they were your whole world and now they are your nothing well you are their nothing.
It will feel like your drowning and there no chance of you coming up for air. It’s going to feel like that for some time. And boy are you going to cry, every single day for the next few months. Those tears, they will come out of nowhere because everything you knew and got so accustom to is gone. It will take time but you will feel better, will get stronger and the best thing that comes out of heart break is that you are given the opportunity to rediscover who you are. You will shine and know your worth and things will get better. Slowly but surely, they will get better.
That’s why I understand but to me losing someone your are in love with to death is something I can’t comprehend. Not because I don’t see it happen all the time but because I just can’t grasp the idea of being so in love with someone and that person loving me just as much and then one day they are gone. They are six feet under the ground and I don’t have to ability to say all those things I wanted to, to tell them how much I love them and just all those other little things we tend to take for granted. I won’t be able to live my truth because you were my soulmate and we bought out the best in each other. I’m sacred of losing someone because If i’m in love with you and we’ve together long enough we would be a part of each other, we would be dependent on each other so much so that I would feel like a child lost all alone on a busy street not knowing where to go. I would lose a part of me, when I lose a part of you.
Death is so definitive, there is no choice in it. When it’s your time to go, you are gone from this earth, there are no take backs or chances to make a difference and the thing is most times you don’t even see it coming, it just takes you by surprise. I think that is what would break me the most.
So if someone breaks your heart and they leave you to move on with their own life. Let them walk away. If they turn down your love, know that you are worth so much more and that life still has so much to offer you. Don’t stress or worry about a person who isn’t even yours because you never know you could be blocking your own blessings being so caught up in this heartache. I believe everything you expereince in this life happens for a reason even if it just ends up being Gods way of teaching you a lesson. You come out of it a better person, so much stronger, so much happier and so much more confident and secure in who you are and what you want in life. So if someone leaves you, just say goodbye.
So it’s been a little over 6 months since I relaunched my blog. Things haven’t really gone the way I would’ve liked them too but I have always believed that life is a journey and we learn something new every step of the way.
I started off in June thinking that I was going to blog more and be more creative and this website and youtube channel were going to be my outlet. I even forced my parents to give me the extra room in the garage so I could set it up and make it into a cute little office/filming room for myself. I’m still working on that 4 months in but it will eventually happen I just don’t know when.
I’ve been looking back at the goals I set myself on my birthday and surprisingly I can a few off the list already which is amazing for someone like me as it usually takes me a billion odd years to get shit done well shit that is for myself done. I thought I’d post a little update because even though I’ve been a bit MIA online my life has been very busy to the point I haven’t had a single weekend to myself for the last few months.
1. Quit my Job – I quit my job at the end of June and well me being me I went back in September. I’ve been back for 2 and half months and the experience is completely different. I’m still surrounded by people that I love and consider to be my friends but this job is not end goals just a stepping stone until I figure out where I am heading next.
2. Join the Gym – I joined the gym!! well, I got a personal trainer who I see twice a week and boyyy does she know how to torture us. I’ve been seeing her for about a month now and I’m not going to lie even though I hate exercising I somehow enjoy each session of pain. I don’t think I’ve seen any physical changes but let’s put that down to my bad eating habits in times of stress!
3. Join a Scriptwriting Class – I attended an evening class for 6 whole weeks!!! I never really thought I would actually do it. I loved the experience, especially because, in the beginning, I felt like a fish out of water. I regretted paying for the classes because I knew I had to attend them now but after the initial OMG WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO moment I started to really enjoy the class and I ended up writing my very first episode. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the script or where I am going to go with it but I did it and I feel so proud of myself just for being able to allow myself to write!
5. Go to Therapy – I went to my very first therapy session last week. I feel as though I have broken this barrier that I had built for myself and that was preventing me from going but now I’ve taken the first step and I really do look forward to these sessions helping me help myself.
10. Put Myself Out There Again – I think this was the one thing I was not looking forward to the most but I am more open to new things and new people and just experiencing life differently. I’ve made new friends and even opened up my heart just a little. You don’t realise what you are missing out until you get a glimpse of it and you yourself are experiencing new things and emotions.
It’s been 6 whole months since my birthday and my very first post on this blog. In those 6 months, life hasn’t gone the way I wanted to it but I’ve achieved 5 things off my list of goals for the next 5 years and I think that’s pretty amazing!
I’ve been on the Ketogenic diet for about a month now and I thought I’d post about it here on my blog and you all a little update and insight to my experiences. Before I begin I feel it is only fair for me to give you a little disclaimer. I am in no way suggesting you go out and do this diet nor am I claiming to be any sort of professional with extensive knowledge. I am just a person trying to lose weight and using a method that works for me.
So here’s the sciencey bit. The Ketogenic diet is a High Fat, Moderate Protein, Low Carb diet. Eating this way allows your body to produce small fuel molecules that are called Ketones. These Ketones are produced in the liver using fat. So eating Keto changes the way your body burns fat, instead of running on Glousce the body switches to being fueled by fat allowing you to burn more substantial amounts.
Now that’s out of the way lets talk about how this month went. Firstly let me just put this out there. I am one of the fussiest eaters on earth, okay that’s a lie but I’m picky and when you start a diet all you think about are the things you can not eat. My first thought was fudge I can’t eat pasta or pizza or ice cream my favourite foods on this earth. Then I started to panic and question where on earth am I going to eat all these healthy fats from, how is one supposed to do this?
Let me just break it down. On a daily, I try to consume 1200 calories. I know a lot of people on keto don’t really count their calorie intake but I like to, however, that being said if I go over by 100 calories or I stay below it’s okay too as long as I am not hungry we are good. I count my macros, that mean macronutrients so I like to know how many carbs, how much fibre, how much and protein in is food I eat. I use my fitness pal but you can use whatever apps or sites you prefer to track your macros. I have personally found that if I set myself a goal of eating 65% of fats, 25% protein and 10% carbs daily, it is not as daunting and it’s something I am able to do. Here is a little example of what my typical day looks like!
So you can see I always no matter what eat more fats than anything else because I do not want to eat too much protein as that can, in turn, can be turned into glucose and we do not want that!
I always struggle with ideas on what to eat because you have to cook for yourself there is no easy way out. Eating halal makes this diet slightly harder just because you can’t really go out and buy sausages, bacon or burger patties. You have to make everything at home so it does get time-consuming.
In the start, I always used to have Bullet Proof Coffee so that coffee with butter and some coconut oil. Not my favourite thing to have but I wanted quick breakfast and I can not hack eggs first thing in the morning so bpc it is. Recently I discovered Chia seed and OH MY GOD I am obsessed like where have you been my whole life. I have a cereal type breakfast every morning and I could not be happier.
That’s the thing with this diet the longer you do it the more creative you get with your food and you find substitutes for sugary high carb foods. I even made a pizza today that was keto approved. I’m going to just insert a few meals I’ve had over the last month so you can see what I eat. But I can always do a full day of eating post or vlog if anyone wants to see what I have on the regular.
This month was a good month overall I think. I’m not going to lie and say it was perfect because what’s the point? I had three days where I was just like fudge it I want to order from pizza hut so I am and I did and I enjoyed it very much. It’s tough it really is but you just have to remember that you have an end goal and that you are doing it for you and nobody else. Sometimes trying to lose weight can be draining and so mentally exhausting. How did I get here, why did I get here? I gain weight so fast and it’s annoying so it’s nice for a diet to actually work for once.
I lost 8.4lbs this month which I think it pretty great and a step in the right direction. I can’t wait to continue this journey with all it’s up and downs and well I can not wait to hit my goal. Before I sign off if anyone wants to follow my journey on Instagram because I do tend to post more often on there about this feel free to its @kiranonketo I’d love to follow more people on that account!
I hate being so self-aware. I can feel these emotions that come flooding in and I try to stop them. I try to invalidate them because someone like me should not be feeling this way.
Some days I feel so low that I don’t understand who I am or who it is that I want to be. Life seems to be an ongoing circle of repetition and no progression. I see a future but there is nothing there it is just a black hole. The darkness is consuming my soul and it seems to be so peaceful, so quiet and that is kind of all I want.
Other days I feel like I am destined for greatness and that I am going to make a difference in this world regardless of how long it takes me. I will overcome every single obstacle thrown my way because God has a plan and I feel it in my bones that one day my dreams will be a reality. You don’t have dreams for no reason, ideas and passion isn’t random, they are there, they have a purpose. On these days I feel unstoppable, I feel high on life, I feel like everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful.
Then there are days where I go through the motions of highs and lows. I will wake up be productive and get so much shit done that I’m like wait, who is this girl, I like her. I plan and work and things make sense. I love and I laugh and I feel good and I feel happy but by the end of the day, I crash. I cry and I feel sick and as though I am worthless. I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t want to be saved. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and I have no one to turn to because they don’t understand these sudden ups and downs.
Some days I want to stay in bed and just sleep forever. I want to speak to nobody and I want nobody to speak to me. I want my mind to be blank and my soul to feel a little bit of peace. I want to be closed in and as far away as possible from anything that breathes.
There are times that I find myself in a public place or surrounded by people and I can feel my body giving me away. I see my hands tremble and feel my eyes start to water. I feel this weird burning sensation prickling my head. My neck feels tense and I find myself unable to speak or move but me being me I can not let anyone see this happening to me so I have to tell myself that this is not the time or place, you are not this kind of person don’t ever let anybody see you this weak. Sometimes I can’t reel it in so I have to run away lock myself in the bathroom and fall to the floor and try to breathe and all I hear myself saying is why are you doing this to yourself why can’t you be normal and just be fine? I invalidate every emotion I feel because that is not the way a girl like me is supposed to be but what is a girl like me supposed to be?
I cry alone at night, I cry myself to sleep wishing there was someone who would be able to comfort me. Sometimes I want to run to my mum and just cry to her but the truth is I would never have the courage to because I’m coward when it comes to showing others how I feel. I want her to tell me it will be okay and that life is a rollercoaster of your greatest hit and you stupidest mistakes. I want her to tell me that I will make it out fine as long as I believe in me because she believes in me but that’s a conversation we will never have.
I guess all I want in life is not to feel so alone, to feel loved and to love someone back. I want to go through this journey, this messed up journey with someone by my side, someone who understands that I feel a little too much and I care way too much for my own good. I’m sick of hiding and trying to mask and bottle up everything inside. I just want to be free and feel happy.
With it being my 25th birthday and all I thought what better way to celebrate turning a quarter of a century than relaunching my blog? Seeing as I did take the whole day off from work, I decided to come up with a list of things that I really want to do over the next 5 years, before I turn 30. It seems so close yet so far!! I’ve never really been spontaneous or one to not rationalise or over think every single thing that I do so I guess this little list will be good for me. So here is what I’ve come up with so far and it’s not in any particular order just in case anyone is wondering.
1. Quit my Job.
(Okay, I’m being cheeky, I’ve already handed my notice in. Two more weeks to go and I am free!!!! okay a little update it’s all kinda up in the air at the moment I’m not sure what the outcome will be.)
2. Join the Gym.
(I know that sounds so basic but ya girl over here has been saying this since 2015 and I still haven’t joined so…)
3. Join a Scriptwriting Class.
(I’ve always dreamt of writing my own sitcom and I still have this really cringey script from when I was 14 years old. It’s so bad that it’s funny! Plus I think it’s time to venture out and do something I want to do.)
(Honestly, I don’t care if I only visit one or two different countries over the next five years as long as I actually do it. Growing up in a Pakistani household every time I ask my parent if I can go on holiday the answer is no or get married first. So even if I only visit one place out of the UK, it will do.)
5. Go to Therapy.
(I’ve been putting this off for the last let’s say 8 years. Honestly, because I’m a chicken when it comes to talking about feelings but I think it’s time I grew up and worked out my issues and learnt how to communicate better. It will help me in the long run so this is something I need to do for me.)
6. Step Out of My Comfortzone.
(I do not have a single spontaneous bone in my body, I plan everything down to the tee before I go out and do it and I feel like this is one of my downfalls. I like being in control of everything and I overthink like my life depends on it. I need to do things that make me feel uncomfortable and as though I don’t have a safety net because life is unpredictable and I need to start living like that.)
7. Write a Book in 30 Days.
(I love writing and at times I like to tell myself that it is something that I was born to do but I have this really bad habit of starting a story and never finishing it. Mainly because my mind is a magical playground filled with awesome ideas I can’t myself from jumping from one to another. Giving myself a timeframe is going to be gruelling but in a sense, it will help get the job done and I am so excited for it. Don’t worry I will be documenting my journey so you lovely people don’t miss out.)
8. Get to a Healthy Weight.
(This is something I need to do for me, so I feel good about myself. I’m not saying losing weight is going to solve my life problems but it is something that will make me feel more comfortable with myself.)
9. Sing More & Upload Covers on Youtube.
(I love to sing so I should do it more tbh.)
10. Put Myself Out There Again.
(I mean this in the romantic and non-romantic sense. Fear of the unknown is holding me back and I just need to let myself breathe and go with the flow. I have expectations but if a person or a period in my life doesn’t meet those expectations it’s okay, you don’t always get everything wrapped up in a bow. You have to work for it.)
11. Fall in Love.
(I’m super closed off emotionally, ask my friends and family, they will let you know. I want to be more open to finding someone who I want to share my life with. The funny thing is I’m okay with it not being forever as long as we tried. I’ve always been a bit of a commitment-phobe but I need to move past that.)
12. Believe in Myself More.
(I don’t really think I need to explain this one. I think we all need to believe in ourselves more and be our own hypeman from time to time. We were all born to great things in our own ways.)
13. Get Married. (Before I turn 30 it would be nice but it’s not a priority. If my mum sees this I think she’ll want to kill me. If it was up to her I’d be married by now.)
14. Get My Dream Job.
(I want to one day have my own tv show, I always wanted to do like a billion things at once growing up but I always wanted to be a tv presenter. I want to work in the media, be it behind the scenes or in front of the camera and I will do it one day!)
15. Invest in Some Property. (So my inner person is like urgh your finally going to listen to your grandad and parents. Well, I’ve weighed out the pros and cons and I guess it seems like a good idea. But let this be clear I’m only doing this because I think it’s a good idea.)
16. Move Out of My Parents House.
(I refuse to be that girl who moves out of her parent’s house just to go live with her husband. Nope, I can not do it. I believe it’s good to have some independence, to live by yourself. I feel like I would learn a lot.)
17. Be More Consistent & Not Give Up So Easily.
(My dreams are mine and if I am going to make them a reality I have to step up my game and not give up or get disheartened every time someone says no. Which mind you is an awful lot. Just keep doing what I need to do and I will eventually get there. It’s about the process. I just need to keep reminding myself that on a daily.)
18. Be Happy & Content!!
(Just in general like happy and content that even if this isn’t what I want this if life and it is all part of the big picture, the plan that God has for me. I just want to be more accepting of thing that are out my control.)
I could add so much more to this list but I think I’m going to stop there. I guess it will nice for me to check in each year and write a little update on my progress. That way I can hold myself accountable and push myself to do better and actually go out there and make my goals a reality. Anyways that is all for today’s post, I know it was a long one so if you read it all I would like to thank you and tell you that I really do appreciate you coming on this journey with me.
So until next time.