Breathe

Sometimes I forget to breathe
I forget that I too have needs
I lose myself in your battles
But I’ll take your burdens and place them on top of mine
Just so you don’t suffer.
I tried to be your light, the light you see at the end of the tunnel
But you couldn’t see, you didn’t want to see me
I know that I used to burn so bright.

Now I struggle.

Eid Ul Adha 2018

Eid Mubarak for today and for yesterday to everyone who is celebrating!! I thought I would do a little post on my eid outfit and makeup because I’ve missed posting more fashion/beauty related posts!

Let’s start off with my makeup, shall we!! I’ll do a little break down of the products used and if anyone would like a tutorial, let me know and I will get to filming! Please ignore the fact that all these pictures are different qualities I didn’t plan this post out it’s just kind of happening.

MAKEUP

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I originally planned on just doing a smokey brown eye but then I realised I had the perfect green eyeshadow for this look so basically this happened!

Face
Primer – Fenty Beauty Pro Filt’r Instant Retouch Primer
Foundation – Fenty Beauty Pro Filt’r Soft Matte Longwear Foundation – 180
Mixed in with a little bit of the Becca Ultimate Coverage 24 Hour Foundation – Buff
Concealer – NARS – Radiant Creamy Concealer – Custard
Baking Powder -Beauty Bakerie Flour Setting Powder – Yellow Flour
Contour – Fenty Beauty Match Stix – Mocha
Bronzer – NARS Sun Wash Diffusing Bronzer – Laguna
Blush – Milani Baked Blush Luminos
Highlighter – Anastasia Beverly Hills Amrezy Highlighter
Buffing Powder – Kat Von D ‘Lock-It’ Setting Powder
Setting Spray – Too Faced Hangover 3-in-1 Setting Spray

Eyes
Eyeshadows – Colourpop Iluvsarahii Chic-y Palette
Makeup Geek Foiled Eyeshadow Fantasy
Eyeliner – NYX Epic Ink Liner
Mascara – Benefit Roller Lash
Lashes – Huda Beauty Giselle
Brow Bone & Inner Corner Highlight – ABH Amrezy Highlighter

Brows
ABH Brow Wiz – Dark Brown
NYX Tinted Brow Mascara – Expresso
Benefit Gimme Brow+ Volumizing Eyebrow Gel – 05 Deep

Lips
Jornada Easy Liner for Lips – Rock N Rose
Ofra’s Long Lasting Liquid Lipstick – Bel Air
Dose of Colors Iluvsarahii Lip Gloss – Barely There

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Okay so here is a close up just so you can see the eye makeup in action a bit better. Note that this is a snapchat selfie 😂 Let us just appreciate how poping that brow bone highlight it!!

OUTFIT

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Now moving on to my outfit. I ordered this online from the Gul Ahmed website. It was pretty much an impulse buy at 2am in the morning. My mum sewed it for me and I guess it’s pretty cute. I am in love with the colour so much I always tend to lean for more pastel and muted colours so this minty green is perfect! I got these cute block heels from Asos for about 25 pounds and they matched very well with the delicate gold thread work on my kameez. For jewellery, I kept it very simple I got a chocker from Topshop and my earrings are from H&M. Well, that just about wraps up this post, the first of many fashion and beauty related post. I hope you enjoyed it!

Sometimes

I hate being so self-aware. I can feel these emotions that come flooding in and I try to stop them. I try to invalidate them because someone like me should not be feeling this way.

Some days I feel so low that I don’t understand who I am or who it is that I want to be. Life seems to be an ongoing circle of repetition and no progression. I see a future but there is nothing there it is just a black hole. The darkness is consuming my soul and it seems to be so peaceful, so quiet and that is kind of all I want.

Other days I feel like I am destined for greatness and that I am going to make a difference in this world regardless of how long it takes me. I will overcome every single obstacle thrown my way because God has a plan and I feel it in my bones that one day my dreams will be a reality. You don’t have dreams for no reason, ideas and passion isn’t random, they are there, they have a purpose. On these days I feel unstoppable, I feel high on life, I feel like everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful.

Then there are days where I go through the motions of highs and lows. I will wake up be productive and get so much shit done that I’m like wait, who is this girl, I like her. I plan and work and things make sense. I love and I laugh and I feel good and I feel happy but by the end of the day, I crash. I cry and I feel sick and as though I am worthless. I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t want to be saved. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and I have no one to turn to because they don’t understand these sudden ups and downs.

Some days I want to stay in bed and just sleep forever. I want to speak to nobody and I want nobody to speak to me. I want my mind to be blank and my soul to feel a little bit of peace. I want to be closed in and as far away as possible from anything that breathes.

There are times that I find myself in a public place or surrounded by people and I can feel my body giving me away. I see my hands tremble and feel my eyes start to water. I feel this weird burning sensation prickling my head. My neck feels tense and I find myself unable to speak or move but me being me I can not let anyone see this happening to me so I have to tell myself that this is not the time or place, you are not this kind of person don’t ever let anybody see you this weak. Sometimes I can’t reel it in so I have to run away lock myself in the bathroom and fall to the floor and try to breathe and all I hear myself saying is why are you doing this to yourself why can’t you be normal and just be fine? I invalidate every emotion I feel because that is not the way a girl like me is supposed to be but what is a girl like me supposed to be?

I cry alone at night, I cry myself to sleep wishing there was someone who would be able to comfort me. Sometimes I want to run to my mum and just cry to her but the truth is I would never have the courage to because I’m coward when it comes to showing others how I feel. I want her to tell me it will be okay and that life is a rollercoaster of your greatest hit and you stupidest mistakes. I want her to tell me that I will make it out fine as long as I believe in me because she believes in me but that’s a conversation we will never have.

I guess all I want in life is not to feel so alone, to feel loved and to love someone back. I want to go through this journey, this messed up journey with someone by my side, someone who understands that I feel a little too much and I care way too much for my own good. I’m sick of hiding and trying to mask and bottle up everything inside. I just want to be free and feel happy.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before Collection – Review

I’ve never written a book review before so here goes nothing…

all three
I totally forgot I didn’t have a picture of all three books together so I had to run outside just now and take this…

I must admit I had never really heard of Jenny Han before. I think I may have come across her once or twice while watching a few booktubers just mention her in what they were currently reading but I had never looked into who she is or what she has written.

My interest in Jenny Han sparked when I saw the new Netflix trailer for To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.  Immediately I fell in love when I saw the main character was going to be played by an Asain. Like YASS, hello, so excited!! The premise also looked pretty interesting but more so intriguing. I wanted to know how it was all going to play out and I’m impatient so I wasn’t going to wait until the movie came out so instead I bought the books.

Okay so a little background on the author, Jenny Han is an Asain American writer. She writes Young Adult Novels and has previously written a trilogy called The Summer I Turned Pretty and apparently it’s really good. She has also co-written other stories but we’re not going to focus on those.

Okay so let’s talk about To All The Boys I’ve Before…

to all the boys i loved before

Here’s the blurb.

“What if all the crushes you ever had found out how you felt about them… all at once?  Sixteen-year-old Lara Jean Song keeps her love letters in a hatbox her mother gave her. They aren’t love letters that anyone else wrote for her; these are ones she’s written. One for every boy she’s ever loved—five in all. When she writes, she pours out her heart and soul and says all the things she would never say in real life, because her letters are for her eyes only. Until the day her secret letters are mailed, and suddenly, Lara Jean’s love life goes from imaginary to out of control.”

First things first I am a sucker for anything cute and romantic when it comes to books. I love the idea of someone falling in love and being able to read about their journey. So when I picked up this book I kind of knew what to expect because the premise was laid out for us in the trailer and of course the blurb gives us a vivid enough picture. The book itself is very pretty. I love the cover and how girly it is, there’s just something about it that would make a teenage girl want to pick this book up and read it. Hey, it made a 25-year-old want to do that.

The story follows the journey of Lara Jean Covey who is biracial, she is half Korean and half Caucasian. You rarely find books especially YA books that have a POC as their lead. So it was quite endearing because representation really does matter especially through creative outlets. I also love the fact that Lara Jean is the middle child. How many stories do you read about middle children? None come to mind. Honestly, it was kind of refreshing to read through her perspective.

One of the main reasons I love this book is because of how easy it was to read. I finished it in 4 days. The writing style is very light and playful and kind of how do I put this amateurish because there is no complexity to any of it. I personally feel as though that adds to the charm of the book and also conveys Lara Jean’s personality and her innocence. So fair play Jenny Han, fair play.

Before I picked up this book, I had a little look on Goodreads to see what people thought of it. I mainly came across comments such as people didn’t like Lara Jean because she comes across as very childish and immature for her age. She is supposed to be 16 but acts a lot younger than she should be.  Hmm I have to disagree because I feel like a lot of us are forgetting how immature and naive we were at 16. You are still a child and everyone develops and matures differently, at their own pace.  For me, how Lara Jean is bought up, her family circumstances and who she is as a person comes across very well throughout the book.

She is quirky, goofy and a little bit whimsical, she quotes Sleepless in Seattle (which is one of my favourite films btw) She likes to keep a hold on old things, she writes letters to her crushes and keeps them in a hatbox which her mother gave to her if that isn’t the cutest thing ever I don’t know what is. I kinda love Lara Jean because she is a voice for many unheard teenagers.

Okay so less rambling and on to the story itself. The book started off slowly in the romantic department and is more so based on her family dynamics. Lara Jean has two sisters, One older sister Margot and a younger sister Kitty. He dad is an OBYGN and her mother passed away when she was younger. You grow to love each family member as they add so much depth and personality to the story. My personal favourite is Kitty, she is my long lost soul sister!

Even though we are initially fed the idea that there are five love letters which is in fact true. The story only focuses on two main love interests, Josh and Peter. You’ve got the boy next door who is seemingly the perfect boyfriend. Yes, he is dating Lara Jean’s sister Margot. Again I feel like people were criticising the fact that Lara Jean was in love with her sister’s boyfriend but if we take a step back and think rationally. When you grow up with someone and you are in such close proximity to this person and you do everything together you tend to develop feelings and I’m sorry sometimes the line gets blurred but you can’t really help how you feel.

Next, you have my main man Peter. He is your childhood best friend/crush who gets popular and hot and dates the popular girl but you have a bit of history.  The two strike a deal to pretend to be together to help each other out. I found myself rooting for Peter throughout the book even though their relationship was fake it was a nice good clean romance. Which made me like the book even more. It is kinda fluff but the feel-good kinda fluff that addresses issues that a lot of teenagers face when it comes to love, family or just finding yourself.

The only thing I found slightly frustrating about this book was the fact that it ended on a cliffhanger. Like girrrrrl, if I didn’t already have the second book next to me I would be so mad. I guess it’s a good job that I did.

ps i still love you

The Blurb

“Lara Jean didn’t expect to really fall for Peter.
She and Peter were just pretending. Except suddenly they weren’t. Now Lara Jean is more confused than ever.
When another boy from her past returns to her life, Lara Jean’s feelings for him return too. Can a girl be in love with two boys at once?”

Book number two is a continuation of book one. You are thrown right in. Lara Jean loves to write letters and that how this book starts. It’s nice to see how Lara Jean has developed and grown even if it is only a little as a person and I think the letter to Peter shows that she is coming to terms with how she feels. The book is centred around her and Peter making their relationship real.  The main focus in this book is the romance, we don’t really see any development outside that department whether it be family or friendships. So that was a little bit disappointing but I knew there was another book to go so I was okay with that.

In this instalment, another boy is thrown into the mix. He is one of the lucky five who received letters. He is also a childhood friend who grew up with both Peter and Lara Jean. I think adding him into the mix added a little bit more drama because you’ve got Lara Jean crushing on someone who is not her boyfriend and her boyfriend is spending more time with his ex.

I really give props to Jenny Han for trying to tackle an issue that is prevalent in this day an age. That being social media and anonymous online posting essentially cyberbullying. We see how both characters who are very different handle the situation. It also explores and points out double standards in society and how women receive the short end of the stick and guys just seem to get away without even an acknowledgement.

This book is the most eventful out of the three and moves a lot quicker than the first one. I’m not going to lie I don’t know how I felt about the ending just because I kinda saw it coming but at the same time, I didn’t want it to happen.

always & forever

The Blurb

“Lara Jean is having the best senior year. And there’s still so much to look forward to: a class trip to New York City, prom with her boyfriend Peter, Beach Week after graduation, and her dad’s wedding to Ms Rothschild. Then she’ll be off to college with Peter, at a school close enough for her to come home and bake chocolate chip cookies on the weekends. Life couldn’t be more perfect! At least, that’s what Lara Jean thinks…until she gets some unexpected news. Now the girl who dreads change must rethink all her plans—but when your heart and your head are saying two different things, which one should you listen to?

I loved seeing each character come into their own and maturing especially our main character, Lara Jean. I felt like a proud older sister reading this book. We watch, well we read how she finally makes decisions for herself. One thing I love about Lara Jean is that when she is stressed out she bakes and I relate to that so much!! I just found myself laughing to myself at times.

We again get to explore her family dynamics and how everything has changed and developed since last had a proper look. Lara Jean’s Dad is getting married, Margot has a boyfriend and Kitty is just ever so wonderful and witty as ever!

You see a real side to our main character that lots of teenagers are able to relate to. She has applied for colleges and she is waiting to find out if she got in and you experience her anxiety with her because it is something we have all experienced in one way or another. Planning for the future and sometimes things don’t go to plan just like with Lara Jean. I think there is a moral to the story though, everything happens for a reason and sometimes something better is waiting for you. You just have to be brave enough to make the right choices for yourself.

Again this book was a little slow, there was hardly any drama except for Peter and Lara Jean not communicating properly and having one argument. Most of the drama, if there is any, it is centred around trying to get into college and making life fit with those plans. Other than that the book has an overall happyish theme going on.

Overall though I think it was a good conclusion to the series and we left our character feeling differently about them than we felt in the beginning. I was left feeling hopeful for what was to come in the future for both Lara Jean and Peter but also I felt like if they weren’t to make it, in the long run, it would be okay as well.

If I had to rate these books I would give them a 4/5 as an average because I did enjoy them but I didn’t fall in love completely. I might feel differently after I’ve had a little time to let all of it sink in but I feel like these books will be on my shelf for a long time to come and maybe one day I’ll have kids and I’ll suggest they give these books a whirl as they are good light-hearted reads that make you laugh, feel emotional and warm inside all at the same time.

Bubble Wrapped Home

I was always a sheltered child who grew up in a bubble wrapped home.
The big bad world wasn’t supposed to be my oyster.
I wasn’t supposed to venture out to try and find my pearl.

I was a curious child, unconventional in every way.
I wasn’t what my parents raised.
I asked too many questions, I wanted to do things my way.
I craved adventure, I wanted to make mistakes.
I felt suffocated, I hated the bubble wrap that was supposed to keep me safe.

I was always in limbo fighting with my right and wrong,
your right and wrong, your way versus mine.
It was an ongoing battle and we were losing track.
I tried not to hurt you so I hurt me instead.
I tried to give you what you wanted but nothing ever changed.
The bubble wrap was just wound around tighter.

I’m tired of playing the devil’s advocate. I’m tired of fighting for each breath.
I’m tired of being angry, sad and always feeling defeated.
My life is mine.
Not yours, mine.
What I do for me because I see fit is not a crime.
I need you to understand that I love you.
I will always love you.
But we need to let go.
We need to set each other free.
Because I just need to let me, be happy.

Twenty Five

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My bestie is a baking wizard! How pretty is this cake she made for me?

With it being my 25th birthday and all I thought what better way to celebrate turning a quarter of a century than relaunching my blog?  Seeing as I did take the whole day off from work, I decided to come up with a list of things that I really want to do over the next 5 years, before I turn 30. It seems so close yet so far!! I’ve never really been spontaneous or one to not rationalise or over think every single thing that I do so I guess this little list will be good for me. So here is what I’ve come up with so far and it’s not in any particular order just in case anyone is wondering.

1. Quit my Job.
(Okay, I’m being cheeky, I’ve already handed my notice in. Two more weeks to go and I am free!!!! okay a little update it’s all kinda up in the air at the moment I’m not sure what the outcome will be.)

2. Join the Gym.
(I know that sounds so basic but ya girl over here has been saying this since 2015 and I still haven’t joined so…)

3. Join a Scriptwriting Class.
(I’ve always dreamt of writing my own sitcom and I still have this really cringey script from when I was 14 years old. It’s so bad that it’s funny! Plus I think it’s time to venture out and do something I want to do.)

4. Travel. 
(Honestly, I don’t care if I only visit one or two different countries over the next five years as long as I actually do it. Growing up in a Pakistani household every time I ask my parent if I can go on holiday the answer is no or get married first. So even if I only visit one place out of the UK, it will do.)

5. Go to Therapy. 
(I’ve been putting this off for the last let’s say 8 years. Honestly, because I’m a chicken when it comes to talking about feelings but I think it’s time I grew up and worked out my issues and learnt how to communicate better. It will help me in the long run so this is something I need to do for me.)

6. Step Out of My Comfortzone.  
(I do not have a single spontaneous bone in my body, I plan everything down to the tee before I go out and do it and I feel like this is one of my downfalls. I like being in control of everything and I overthink like my life depends on it. I need to do things that make me feel uncomfortable and as though I don’t have a safety net because life is unpredictable and I need to start living like that.)

7. Write a Book in 30 Days. 
(I love writing and at times I like to tell myself that it is something that I was born to do but I have this really bad habit of starting a story and never finishing it. Mainly because my mind is a magical playground filled with awesome ideas I can’t myself from jumping from one to another. Giving myself a timeframe is going to be gruelling but in a sense, it will help get the job done and I am so excited for it. Don’t worry I will be documenting my journey so you lovely people don’t miss out.)

8. Get to a Healthy Weight. 
(This is something I need to do for me, so I feel good about myself. I’m not saying losing weight is going to solve my life problems but it is something that will make me feel more comfortable with myself.)

9. Sing More & Upload Covers on Youtube. 
(I love to sing so I should do it more tbh.)

10. Put Myself Out There Again. 
(I mean this in the romantic and non-romantic sense. Fear of the unknown is holding me back and I just need to let myself breathe and go with the flow. I have expectations but if a person or a period in my life doesn’t meet those expectations it’s okay, you don’t always get everything wrapped up in a bow. You have to work for it.)

11. Fall in Love. 
(I’m super closed off emotionally, ask my friends and family, they will let you know. I want to be more open to finding someone who I want to share my life with. The funny thing is I’m okay with it not being forever as long as we tried. I’ve always been a bit of a commitment-phobe but I need to move past that.)

12. Believe in Myself More. 
(I don’t really think I need to explain this one. I think we all need to believe in ourselves more and be our own hypeman from time to time. We were all born to great things in our own ways.)

13. Get Married. 
(Before I turn 30 it would be nice but it’s not a priority. If my mum sees this I think she’ll want to kill me. If it was up to her I’d be married by now.) 

14. Get My Dream Job. 
(I want to one day have my own tv show, I always wanted to do like a billion things at once growing up but I always wanted to be a tv presenter. I want to work in the media, be it behind the scenes or in front of the camera and I will do it one day!)

15. Invest in Some Property. 
(So my inner person is like urgh your finally going to listen to your grandad and parents. Well, I’ve weighed out the pros and cons and I guess it seems like a good idea. But let this be clear I’m only doing this because I think it’s a good idea.) 

16. Move Out of My Parents House. 
(I refuse to be that girl who moves out of her parent’s house just to go live with her husband. Nope, I can not do it. I believe it’s good to have some independence, to live by yourself. I feel like I would learn a lot.)

17. Be More Consistent & Not Give Up So Easily. 
(My dreams are mine and if I am going to make them a reality I have to step up my game and not give up or get disheartened every time someone says no. Which mind you is an awful lot. Just keep doing what I need to do and I will eventually get there. It’s about the process. I just need to keep reminding myself that on a daily.)

18. Be Happy & Content!! 
(Just in general like happy and content that even if this isn’t what I want this if life and it is all part of the big picture, the plan that God has for me. I just want to be more accepting of thing that are out my control.)

I could add so much more to this list but I think I’m going to stop there. I guess it will nice for me to check in each year and write a little update on my progress. That way I can hold myself accountable and push myself to do better and actually go out there and make my goals a reality. Anyways that is all for today’s post, I know it was a long one so if you read it all I would like to thank you and tell you that I really do appreciate you coming on this journey with me.
So until next time.
xoxo