My So-Called Bollywood Life By Nisha Sharma – Review

“Winnie Mehta was never really convinced that Raj was her soul mate, but their love was written in the stars. Literally, a pandit predicted Winnie would find the love of her life before her eighteenth birthday, and Raj meets all the qualifications. Which is why Winnie is shocked when she returns from her summer at film camp to find her boyfriend of three years hooking up with Jenny Dickens. As a self-proclaimed Bollywood expert, Winnie knows this is not how her perfect ending is scripted.

Then there’s Dev, a fellow film geek and one of the few people Winnie can count on. Dev is smart and charming, and he challenges Winnie to look beyond her horoscope and find someone she’d pick for herself. But does falling for Dev mean giving up on her prophecy and her chance to live happily ever after? To find her perfect ending, Winnie will need a little bit of help from fate, family, and of course, a Bollywood movie star.”

Before we get into my review lets just talk about some things. It might sound a little crazy to everyone but never have I ever read a YA book by a South Asian woman before. As a Pakistani woman that baffles me, like how is that possible? I don’t think I’ve even ever come across such a thing until I saw My So-Called Bollywood Life on the WHSmith website, therefore, I automatically had to buy it. Maybe this is a, me problem, where I just haven’t been looking hard enough for authors who have a similar background and culture to myself but I know for a fact that there is a lack of diversity in the book world and we definitely need more books like this one and the ones that already exist we need to do a much better job of making them visible and more easily available and accessible.

Nisha Sharma’s debut YA novel My So-Called Bollywood Life is what I would class as a teenage rom-com starring an Indian American teenage girl Winne Mehta. She is a film enthusiast who dreams of getting her Bollywood style love story. Being from an Indian family their are a certain religious and cultural tradition that her family follows. They believe in astrology and birth charts can predicate your future so it is very interesting to see how out MC navigates with coming to terms with fate/destiny.

I love the family dynamics in this book it’s the perfect balance of what a loving family should look like. Winnie’s grandma might actually be my favourite character. I think South Asian grandmas are just really funny in general with their sassiness and those one-liners that they pull out of nowhere. I love that they speak in Punjabi throughout it makes it more delightful and adds to the charm of the book. I love Winnie’s relationship with her dad it is so wholesome and it is so cute that she gets her love of Bollywood films from him.

The layout of this book is something I really enjoyed. Each chapter starts with a mini-review of a classic Bollywood movie by Winne herself and it somewhat sets the tone for each of the chapters which I believe is a very cleverly done by Nisha Sharma. As someone who wasn’t bought up on Bollywood and hasn’t actually ever seen a single Bollywood movie in their life, I was able to follow with ease and understand all the references which I really appreciate so even as an outsider to the culture you can very easily develop an understanding of who Winne is and how she was bought up.

I really liked the fact that most of the main characters besides one maybe two are Indian. Both Winne’s love interests are Indian. I am not going to lie I think that is what excited me the most about this book. You read stories and watch tv shows of girls of different cultures in America and the UK who somehow fall in love with a white guy. Like there’s nothing wrong with that, you do you boo but this is not a hugely common thing. so it’s good to see some accurate representation that is relatable.

I’ll have to give My So-Called Bollywood Life a score of 3.5/5. I have nothing against this book it’s super cute, funny and so damn relatable! But I must say at one point I put the book down and didn’t really pick it up and finish until two months later. I would still recommend giving Winnie’s story a read because there are so many girls out there who haven’t yet seen themselves visibly represented in literature before and this book is a step forward in the right direction.

Huda Beauty Mercury Retrograde Palette – Review & Swatches

Hi everyone!!! I’m back with another palette review and as you can tell from the title of this post it’s the Huda Beauty Mercury Retrograde palette. Not too long ago Huda Beauty had a massive sale on their website and I thought it was the best time for me to spend tons of money that I don’t have. This palette was included in the sale but I just could not resist.

This is the only big 18 shade palette that I own from Huda just because none of the others ever really appealed to me but I was torn between getting this one and the New Nudes just because it’s so pretty and would perfect for everyday looks but I fell in love with the colour story and packaging on this palette it is absolutely stunning as you can see below.

Taken in Direct Sunlight to show off the reflective nature of the palette

The Mercury Retrograde palette retails for £58/$67 you can purchase this palette from retailers such as Boots, Cult Beauty, Selfridges and many more. I purchased directly of the Huda Beauty website and I did place quiet a big order on a lot of sale items so it worked out to be a lot cheaper for me and surprisingly I did not have to pay customs or a delivery fee.

This is such a dreamy palette it has mermaid and fairy vibes written all over it! It is a girly palette and my heart screams with joy every time I look at it. There are so many different types of purples and I am obsessed with the stunning aqua shade Haze like I would die for Haze. I little dramatic I know but just look at it and the rest of the palette! I’m a sucker for anything cosmic and mystical but I’ve really enjoyed using the palette even incorporating it into my daily makeup routine.

Taken in Direct Sunlight


There are 18 shades all together but if we break it down there 9 mattes, 6 metallics, 1 glitter powder and 2 sheer multi-reflective shadows.

Shades:
Cosmic – a bright, light-medium pink with a metallic sheen
Utopia – a medium coral with a matte finish
Ultraviolet – a light-medium purple with a sparkling, metallic finish
Nebula – a medium-dark lavender with flecks of silver, gold, and lavender glitter
Mercury – a blackened teal base with flecks of blue-teal shimmer and sparkle.
Haze –  a medium aqua with a matte finish
Off Balance – a warm medium pink with a matte finish
Galaxy – a very warm light-medium pink with a metallic sheen
Libra – a medium bright lavender with a matte finish
Crash – a soft, tea pink with a matte finish
Momentum – a light peachy beige with a matte finish
Supermoon – a pale white with iridescent flecks of sparkle
Vortex – a muted, cool toned deep purple with a matte finish
Hot Mess – a medium reddish-berry with a matte finish
Supernova – a reddish-copper base with flecks of pink sparkle
Karma – a warm muted, medium-dark coral with a matte finish
Gold Glitch – a bright, light-medium copper with flecks of gold and pink sparkle
Frazzled – a warm medium copper with flashes of green and gold sparkle

Taken in Direct Sunlight

Let’s talk about pigmentation and how well the shadows perform. The mattes are so buttery and so pigmented a little goes a long way with them. I don’t really have any trouble to fall out with these mattes they are very vibrant and look so good on the skin. That being said Vortex is not exactly on par with the other shades. It’s a lot more chalky and doesn’t blend as nicely or layer as well as the others you really have to go to work to achieve a flawless blend which is annoying because all the other shades so creamy!!!

Now the metallic shades are super pretty and have such a gorgeous sheen to them. My only complaint is about Galaxy, once it’s on the skin it feel a little bit more powdery then creamy. The whole wet look that you get with a shimmer/metallic shade it doesn’t really exist with this shade and it’s a shame because the colour is so lovely. The on glitter powder in the palette – Nebula is very pretty but trust me you want to you use your finger to apply because you aren’t going to get anything with a brush so there is no point. You could always try the brushes created my Huda Beauty for her palettes but I’m sit to my fingers for now.

The same can be said for the 2 sheer multi-reflective shades Golden Glitch and Supermoon. They weren’t my favourite to work with but using a wet brush did the trick for me. You can see in the swatches don’t do themselves any justice. You can’t even tell that they are the multi-reflective shades. They are such stunning shades in the pan and when used wet but they should be so much easier to work with. Now with all that being said all the shadows are very long lasting and don’t seem to crease either so that’s a brownie point.

These are the three looks that I created using the palette they are all pretty simple especially look number one. This palette is so mystical but it also has some very basic shades that you can use for an everyday look. I love versatility in palettes and this one is honestly one of my favourite colour stories. If you are a purple lover like myself but you want something with a little bit of a twist this could be the palette for you.

Overall I’d rate the Mercury Retrograde Palette 7/10 I really like it! Some of the shades may be a little hit and miss like Vortex and some of others but for me it doesn’t take away from how pretty and whimsical this palette is. I know that is pricey palette but there are 18 shades so it works out to be about £3.20 a shadow so if you can justify it and you love all the colours then why not treat yourself. If that’s not the case and you only like one or two shade look for a dupe, all palettes have dupes trust me and it will be work out more cost effective.

I’m really enjoying doing this three looks per palette thing that I’m doing. I can’t wait to share the next palette with you I’m torn between the Jackie Aina and the Amrezy ABH Palettes so I guess it will be a surprise. I would love to hear your thoughts and what your favourite shade in this palette is? Let me know which look you liked the most! If you would like full details for each of the looks just click on my Instagram and it’s all in the caption!

Dose Of Colors x Desi & Katy Friendcation Palette – Review & Swatches

The Dose of Colors Friendcation Palette is a collaboration with two of my fave YouTubers Desi Perkins and Katy. This is their second collab with the brand – they released an eyeshadow palette, 3 highlighters, 2 lip glosses, 2 lipsticks and 4 velvet mattes. I purchased 2 velvets mattes and 1 of the lip glosses as well. I wanted to get a highlighter-but the one I wanted was never in stock so that didn’t happen.

I’ve had this palette for a while now and I’ve used it several times on a few clients but never really got around to playing with it myself. Lockdown has been a great way for me to get back into being some what creative or at least trying to be. It has been a while since I took product and swatch pictures and as you can see I am totally off my game. Bear with me and I promise I’ll get back into the swing of it.

Taken in direct sunlight

The palette is limited edition but a year later it is still available on the Dose of Colors website as well as Beauty Bay. The retail price the last I checked which was about five minutes is £49 or $55. Bear in mind if you live in the UK your best option is to purchase off Beauty Bay that way you won’t have to pay customs and duty fees.

So let’s get into the fun part the 10 beautiful shades! The palette includes 5 mattes and 5 glitter shades. I would say the mattes are nice basic warm-toned neutrals. You can create anything from a minimal natural look to a full-blown smokey eye with them. The glitters are pretty jewel tones that I find suit all skin tones, they are just so pretty I can’t get enough!

Shades :
Basic – a matte nude pink
Cheens – a matte deep brown
Necessary – a matte camel tan
Dirty Money – a glitter olive green with a gold shift
A Moment – a glitter navy blue with purple shift
Try Me – a glitter rusty red
Just a Kiss – a glitter champagne
Girl Bye – a matte burgundy shade
Churro – a matte chocolate brown
Game Over – a glitter black with silver

Taken in Direct Sunlight

As you can see the palette is super pigmented especially the matte shades! They do not swatch or apply patchy which is a dream. They are just creamy and they blend so easily. The glitter shades are great, you can apply them with a flat synthetic eyeshadow brush however I find that this is not the best option for me. I prefer to use my fingers this allows me to achieve maximum glitter potential – but this can get a little messy because of fall out. You can also wet the flat top brush for a more dimensional look using the glitter shades this is the safest option plus they sparkle a bit more. These shadows are extremely long-lasting to the point my eyes where watering heavily and usually that means my eye makeup will get messy but let me tell you these shadows did not budge. You could not even tell my eyes had a bit of a leaking incident!!

These are the three looks I created using the Friendcation palette. They are very basic and use all the shades in the palette. I just wanted to show the main easy to achieve options. I know that a cranberry eye look was an obvious one that I didn’t go for but if you have followed me from day one you’ll know I’m obsessed with berry tones so I didn’t want to bombard you another berry-toned look. What I really love about this palette is that there are so many combinations and pretty looks that you can create, you by no means have to stick to the obvious! It’s makeup and honestly, there are no rule when you are creating art!

Overall I’d give this palette an 8/10 I really love it! It’s one of those palettes you pull out on a special occasion because you want to look extra dolled up and pretty and it delivers every single time. It’s a little bit on the pricey side but if you are a fan of Desi and Katy you’ll want to support their collaboration and that’s great but if you can’t splurge out you very easily find dupes for nearly all the shades.

So that wraps up today’s post I would love to hear your thoughts and what your favourite shade in this palette is? Let me know which look you liked the most! If you would like full details for each of the looks just click on my Instagram and it’s all in the caption!

Comic Book Grunge

Lockdown life has really got me doing things I’ve been putting of doing for years now!

I was recently scrolling through TikTok like you do and came across so many videos of people doing these cool spotlight photoshoots and they looked like so much fun so I thought I’d give it a go too!

So you’ll need a model in this case I used my brother, a loo roll or any type of cylinder roll you can find around the house and a torch light – you can just use your phone. If you want to take self portraits make sure you have a tripod or something to prop your phone up. These types of pictures are best shot in the dark – so play around a little until you figure out what works best for you.

I obviously had to put my own little spin on it by adding a really cool background made out of super old marvel comics (my mum has been trying to get me to rid of of them for ages but I knew holding on to them would come in handy) We just ripped the pages out and taped them to the wall. But you don’t really need to do that I just wanted to go for a super grungy look and I even styled my brother in line with my vision.

I really like how these turned out especially because I took them blind (yes I wasn’t wearing my glasses) in the dark. I edited these all on my phone using VSCO and SnapSeed. My brother who has his own photography page on Instagram – By Bilaal (which you all should follow because he takes amazing pictures!!) edited them a little differently to the way I did using Photoshop and Lightroom.

If you do try this out I’d love to see what you guys come up with! Tag me on Instagram @geminifatale or just leave a comment down below!

Five Books I Fell In Love with – YA Edition

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.

I am a sucker for a good book that makes me feel all the emotions and this books did just that. The characters are so real and so raw it just makes the book so much more endearing. Eleanor and Park’s struggles and insecurities are so relatable that it gives them that extra human factor. There is nothing extra special about these characters, everyone is so flawed but that is what makes them and this story so amazing. It just feels real like this is actually somebody’s story to tell. This book just made me feel like I wanted to be a teenager and fall in love for the very first time all over again that is how much I was in my feels.
Score – 4/5

A Good Girl’s Guide To Murder by Holly Jackson
The people you love weren’t algebra: to be calculated, subtracted, or held at arm’s length across a decimal point.

I love a good murder/mystery, these are the kind of books are what I live for!! Let me just tell this that when I purchased this book I just picked it up because the title was obviously calling my name. In my head I painted this picture that this going to be about a girl who had finally cracked and killed a couple of people and got away it because why not? (maybe this is a book I need to write because clearly I have a thing for serial killers) Holly Jackson blew my mind – this is such a fast paced easy read with an exhilarating plot. It is a rollercoaster of emotions and I was living for it! The layout of the book is pretty awesome and of the box. This book has very special place in my heart as someone who has a degree in journlaism because Pippa is a bad b and I want to be her.
Score – 5/5

Opposite of Always by Justin A. Reynolds
“Maybe it’s not how something ends that matters. Maybe it’s about having something good, even for a little while.”

I know everyone says not to judge a book by it’s cover but I’m totally cover girl. If you look pretty or catch my eye I will be intrigued and most likely buy you and that is how I ended up with this book! I spent my whole birthday reading Opposite of Always and I have no regerts. This book breaks my heart but it makes it so happy too. There’s a little bit of everything in the story, love, friendship a lot personal growth and time travel! What more can you ask for? I’m not really one for time loops just because they tend to get tedious and I get really bored easily but I really enjoyed this book. It was hilarious – found myself laughing more often thought I would and it’s so heartfelt my heart was going through it reading this. Also one other thing I wanted to just big up the author for is how diverse all the characters in the book are. We love to see it!
Score 4.5/5

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
“People like us in situations like this become hashtags, but they rarely get justice. I think we all wait for that one time though, that one time when it ends right.”

If you haven’t already read this book or seen the movie I would just like to ask you where you’ve been for the past two years? Like go read it now!! This is such an important book with an even more important message. Angie Thomas did this, she created a book that resonates with so many people in one way or another. She approaches and tackles social, political & racial issues, real issues through fiction. This book is so layered and sadly so real it broke my heart because there is someone out their who has lived parts of this or will live part of this and that makes me sick to even think of. Education and awareness is so important and this book is just honest and thought provoking. I will forever recommend this book to everyone teenagers and adults alike.
(I’m not going to get all political in this post because I could go on forever but educate yourselves!!)
Score – 5/5

Starry Eyes by Jenn Bennett
“Uncertainty isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it can even be filled with extraordinary potential.”

Look at all those stars on the cover – you know where I am going with this don’t you! The stars, the moon anything related to the beauty of the night sky by even the slightest has me intrigued. This book is true coming of age story with a heck of a lot of diversity and inclusion. I love it!!! Starry Eyes is just a bundle of crazy but the awesome kind. I love that the main characters aren’t conventional types that always tend to have a voice in most books. They are unique and quirky and so is everyone around them. I went through this book fairly quickly it’s just so fun and cute it kind of made me miss being so young and getting up to stupid shizz. A perfect summer read if you ask me.
Score – 4/5

Everyone Looks Pretty in Pink!

Let me just start this of my saying how much I have missed putting on makeup!! Last night around 10.30pm I decided I was going to look pretty and beat my face and after month of not wearing makeup at all I was surprised at how it all turned out. Yes we all know how much I love pink eyeshadows the majority of the palettes I own are in the pink and purple family. I can’t help it, I just feel like pink makeup looks good on everyone because there are so many variations of the shade. I love it!!

I’m not going to lie I did get a little carried away and this is not the look I had envisioned when I started to apply my makeup but hey ho I think it looks pretty good and I am chuffed with the outcome.
Scroll down for a product break down!

Product Break Down

Face
Primer – NYX Professional Bare With Me Hydrating Jelly Primer
Liquid Highlight – NARS Orgasm
Foundation – Too Faced Born This Way Foundation – Light Beige
Mixed in with a little bit of the KVD Vegan Beauty – ‘Lock-It’ Liquid Foundation – Medium 53W
Concealer – Laura Mercier– Flawless Fusion Ultra-Longwear Concealer – 2W
Baking Powder -Laura Mercier Loose Setting Powder– Translucent
Contour – Fenty Beauty Match Stix – Mocha
Bronzer – NARS Sun Wash Diffusing Bronzer – Laguna
Blush – Milani Baked Blush Luminos
Highlighter – Doll Beauty – Doll Light
Setting Spray – Anastasia Beverly Hills – Dewy Set Setting Spray

Eyes
Eyeshadows – Colourpop Oh La La! Palette
Shades – Sandbar, Caddy, Trove, Opulent, Big Sugar & Tickled
Liner – Lime Crime Venus XL Palette – Boticelli
Mascara – MAC False Lashes Extreme Black
Lashes – Tatti Lashes TL8

Brows
ABH Brow Powder Duo – Dark Brown
MAC Pro Longwear Waterproof Brow Set – Bold Brunette

Lips
Jornada Easy Liner for Lips – Coco Loco
Gerard Cosmetics Hydra Matte – Aphrodite
Lime Crime Matte Velvetine- Riot
Fenty Lip Gloss – Fenty Glow

The Summer I Turned Pretty Trilogy – Review

Okay, so I am back with another review!! I really wanted to make a youtube video about this trilogy just so my facial expressions could fully convey my feeling the way words may not be able to.

After reading To All The Boy’s I’ve Loved Before I just felt it in my soul that I needed to get my hands on The Summer I Turned Pretty trilogy. It was a need more than a want. I searched high and low, I scoured the internet for months trying to get my hands all three book with the same cover and honestly it was a very difficult task. And just when I had given up hope I randomly walked into my local The Works and there they were in all their glory, all three books packed together and guess how much they cost me… only 5 quid like totally worth the wait! Okay so now that this story is over let’s get into the books. I’m going to try my best to not give away any spoilers.

“Belly measures her life in summers. Everything good, everything magical happens between the months of June and August. Winters are simply a time to count the weeks until the next summer, a place away from the beach house, away from Susannah, and most importantly, away from Jeremiah and Conrad. They are the boys that Belly has known since her very first summer—they have been her brother figures, her crushes, and everything in between. But one summer, one wonderful and terrible summer, the more everything changes, the more it all ends up just the way it should have been all along.”

Book #1 focuses on Belly (Isabel) going back to Cousin’s Beach for the summer with her mother and brother. They stay there every summer with their mum’s best friend and her boys. From the title, it, of course, implies that Belly is now older and prettier and is getting somewhat more attention from the boys so as any normal teenage girl would want she’s hoping that she can capture the heart of her long time crush.

The story mainly consists of flashbacks relaying the backstory and the dynamics between the characters. Belly, her brother – Steven, Conrad – her crush and of course Jeremiah – Conrad’s Brother (who I am just going to add is so obviously in love with Belly) Yes there is a love triangle wait no there is a love square but it does not evolve the way one would expect it to. The whole book is really a cat and mouse sort of situation – the series is. I wish I could just elaborate more without giving everything away but I can’t.

One of my favourite things about this book is that I love Susannah so much. She is the one character in this book that I would be infatuated with in real life. She sounds like a wholesome being who is an amazing friend and a great mother and a wonderful second mum to Belly. I think the one thing that really just captured my heart was that Belly loves Susannah like she is her own mother sometimes not realising that her mother is just as amazing and Susannah always lets her know it.

It used to be that Belly counted the days until summer, until she was back at Cousins Beach with Conrad and Jeremiah. But not this year. Not after Susannah got sick again and Conrad stopped caring. Everything that was right and good has fallen apart, leaving Belly wishing summer would never come. But when Jeremiah calls saying Conrad has disappeared, Belly knows what she must do to make things right again. And it can only happen back at the beach house, the three of them together, the way things used to be. If this summer really and truly is the last summer, it should end the way it started—at Cousins Beach.

Book #2 I don’t really know how I felt about this one. It took me a lot longer to get into and I really wanted to strangle all the character especially Belly. Who after everything is still acting like a selfish little child but so are so many people around her. She’s not a good friend and I don’t think she was in any way a good girlfriend. Honestly, a lot happens but at the same time not much does. Belly is supposed to spend summer with her best friend Taylor but Belly being Belly she wants to be at the beach house and she is making it really obvious that this is not the summer she wanted. So when Jeremiah calls her to ask for her help looking for Conrad she could not be happier.

Conrad’s disappearance adds some many layers to this story. I feel like he was just filling his big brother role and trying his best. As the eldest child, I can tell you we get tunnel vision when it comes to doing what we think is best for our family and protecting others so regardless of what anyone else says I am team, Conrad. We also get to see Jeremiah’s point of view in this book and it gives you more of an understanding of who he is and why he is the way that he is and what his family is like from his perspective rather than just seeing the Fisher family from Belly’s point of view. The love triangle intensity has gone up but at least it’s not a square anymore. There is a lot of nostalgia and an over looming sense of sadness and acceptance in this book and I think it makes a great segway into the third.

“Belly has only ever been in love with two boys, both with the last name Fisher. And after being with Jeremiah for the last two years, she’s almost positive he is her soul mate. Almost. While Conrad has not gotten over the mistake of letting Belly go, Jeremiah has always known that Belly is the girl for him. So when Belly and Jeremiah decide to make things forever, Conrad realises that it’s now or never—tell Belly he loves her, or lose her for good.”

Okay, I have so many yet so little words for this book. Gurrrll!!! I was shook. I’m not even exaggerating I was about seven pages in and confused about life. Fine, the blurb gives it away that Jeremiah is with Belly and there is a time jump but just reading it I was like noooo whyyy is this happening?!?! The more and more I read the more and more I was like I can not stand Jeremiah his character did a complete 180 and the entire time I was thinking who is this idiot. Honestly, it’s fine that his character did because you are always evolving through life and the things that happen to you, around you shape you but he just turned out to be not likeable at all.

I tried so hard to love Belly throughout the series but in the end, I just couldn’t. In this book, you start to see some personal growth and a young woman coming into her own. She even starts to own some of her shortcomings which is amazing but then she just goes back to being her immature self. It comes across as though she thinks the whole world revolves around her. Which is a very unlikeable trait in anyone. I like Conrad to an extent but if a guy did to me what Conrad has done to Belly over the series I would have slapped some sense into him by now. ( I do not condone violence please do not take that away from this. kthanks!) I feel like the only person who has changed is Taylor. She has matured and is so much more likeable and trust me when I say that because I hated Taylor in the first two books.

Overall out of all the books I think #3 has the most amount of drama and craziness but as they say if you’re going to go out, go out with a bang and that is what Jenny Han has done with this book! A little disappointed that the ending didn’t give us readers a bit more of what we would’ve liked i.e a Conrad and Belly scene but I am satisfied with the ending.

I would give this series a 3/5 don’t get me wrong these books are a perfect quick read, out in the summer sun. They make you feel nostalgic for a beach house summer with your best friends. I’ve always wanted a house by the water and reading about Belly’s summers has really ignited my love for that dream again. Part of me thinks that if I read these books when they first came out when I was much younger maybe I would have fallen in love with these books because my perspective on life would’ve been a lot different but unfortunately that is not the case.

If someone leaves you, just say goodbye.

The other day I over heard a conversation most likely a little too deep for a bus journey home but nonetheless it got me thinking. This girl was talking to possibly someone who is really close to her and surprisingly having a heart to heart on a not so empty bus. She was pouring her heart out, so to speak. “ I guess my biggest fear is losing someone I love, not the inevitable but losing someone because they fall out of love with you. They go on living their life on this earth without you, I don’t think I could cope with that. Knowing that we were once so in love and now we don’t even care in that way for each other. That would tear me apart. Maybe that’s why I’m just not ready to let anyone in.”

I wholly understand where she is coming from but I think for me it has always been the opposite. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the whole loving someone who doesn’t love me back anymore thing. Losing someone and that person moving on so quickly and you just being so lost because they were your whole world and now they are your nothing well you are their nothing.

It will feel like your drowning and there no chance of you coming up for air. It’s going to feel like that for some time. And boy are you going to cry, every single day for the next few months. Those tears, they will come out of nowhere because everything you knew and got so accustom to is gone. It will take time but you will feel better, will get stronger and the best thing that comes out of heart break is that you are given the opportunity to rediscover who you are. You will shine and know your worth and things will get better. Slowly but surely, they will get better.

That’s why I understand but to me losing someone your are in love with to death is something I can’t comprehend. Not because I don’t see it happen all the time but because I just can’t grasp the idea of being so in love with someone and that person loving me just as much and then one day they are gone. They are six feet under the ground and I don’t have to ability to say all those things I wanted to, to tell them how much I love them and just all those other little things we tend to take for granted. I won’t be able to live my truth because you were my soulmate and we bought out the best in each other. I’m sacred of losing someone because If i’m in love with you and we’ve together long enough we would be a part of each other, we would be dependent on each other so much so that I would feel like a child lost all alone on a busy street not knowing where to go. I would lose a part of me, when I lose a part of you.

Death is so definitive, there is no choice in it. When it’s your time to go, you are gone from this earth, there are no take backs or chances to make a difference and the thing is most times you don’t even see it coming, it just takes you by surprise. I think that is what would break me the most.

So if someone breaks your heart and they leave you to move on with their own life. Let them walk away. If they turn down your love, know that you are worth so much more and that life still has so much to offer you. Don’t stress or worry about a person who isn’t even yours because you never know you could be blocking your own blessings being so caught up in this heartache. I believe everything you expereince in this life happens for a reason even if it just ends up being Gods way of teaching you a lesson. You come out of it a better person, so much stronger, so much happier and so much more confident and secure in who you are and what you want in life. So if someone leaves you, just say goodbye.

Six month update

So it’s been a little over 6 months since I relaunched my blog. Things haven’t really gone the way I would’ve liked them too but I have always believed that life is a journey and we learn something new every step of the way.

I started off in June thinking that I was going to blog more and be more creative and this website and youtube channel were going to be my outlet. I even forced my parents to give me the extra room in the garage so I could set it up and make it into a cute little office/filming room for myself. I’m still working on that 4 months in but it will eventually happen I just don’t know when.

I’ve been looking back at the goals I set myself on my birthday and surprisingly I can a few off the list already which is amazing for someone like me as it usually takes me a billion odd years to get shit done well shit that is for myself done. I thought I’d post a little update because even though I’ve been a bit MIA online my life has been very busy to the point I haven’t had a single weekend to myself for the last few months.

1. Quit my Job – I quit my job at the end of June and well me being me I went back in September. I’ve been back for 2 and half months and the experience is completely different. I’m still surrounded by people that I love and consider to be my friends but this job is not end goals just a stepping stone until I figure out where I am heading next.

2. Join the Gym – I joined the gym!! well, I got a personal trainer who I see twice a week and boyyy does she know how to torture us. I’ve been seeing her for about a month now and I’m not going to lie even though I hate exercising I somehow enjoy each session of pain. I don’t think I’ve seen any physical changes but let’s put that down to my bad eating habits in times of stress!

3. Join a Scriptwriting Class – I attended an evening class for 6 whole weeks!!! I never really thought I would actually do it. I loved the experience, especially because, in the beginning, I felt like a fish out of water. I regretted paying for the classes because I knew I had to attend them now but after the initial OMG WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO moment I started to really enjoy the class and I ended up writing my very first episode. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the script or where I am going to go with it but I did it and I feel so proud of myself just for being able to allow myself to write!

5. Go to Therapy – I went to my very first therapy session last week. I feel as though I have broken this barrier that I had built for myself and that was preventing me from going but now I’ve taken the first step and I really do look forward to these sessions helping me help myself.

10. Put Myself Out There Again – I think this was the one thing I was not looking forward to the most but I am more open to new things and new people and just experiencing life differently. I’ve made new friends and even opened up my heart just a little. You don’t realise what you are missing out until you get a glimpse of it and you yourself are experiencing new things and emotions.

It’s been 6 whole months since my birthday and my very first post on this blog. In those 6 months, life hasn’t gone the way I wanted to it but I’ve achieved 5 things off my list of goals for the next 5 years and I think that’s pretty amazing!

Better off alone

I always say I am better off alone. It’s not because I want to be alone.
It’s just, may be one day I’ll let someone in just enough and they’ll steal my heart. I’ll fall helplessly in love and realise all I ever wanted in this life was to feel loved, to be in love. I’ll crave it, I’ll need it, I’ll want to feel it more than life itself and then one day it will all come crashing, burning down. I don’t know if my heart can take that especially seeing as I am known as the broken girl. So I rather wear some bubble wrap around my fragile self then to open up and let you love me. I’m not scared of being alone I’m scared of needing you, scared of falling so deeply and not being able to live without your love.